My Suicide Letter

 

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Psoriasis has disrupted my life since the age of 7. I hate it. Sometimes I think it has completely ruined my life. I just don’t have it here and there, it’s everywhere. I try to ignore it, but other people make you notice it with their looks and stares. They turn away, then look again, hoping you won’t notice. I often ask God, “why me?” And then I think to myself, why not me, who am I?

I always wanted to model or play sports. But most of the time psoriasis wouldn’t allow me to. Although I have accomplished some things, insecurities from psoriasis worked its way into my mind, torturing me with every thought. “You can’t play basketball, look at your legs. Remember you have to wear shorts, and short sleeves. Modeling? Don’t even think about that. Who would want you as a model? Look at your skin. And that guy? Yeah, don’t worry about him,  you’ll never get to the point where you’ll feel comfortable enough to be intimate, that would mean taking your clothes off.”

Well today, I end it all. All the doubt, all the hiding when people ask questions, trying to deny who I am. Today it all ends, and it ends by me killing the part of myself that feels so ashamed. I kill the part of me that hides… I kill the part of me that cries out… I kill the part of me that’s afraid of what people will think. Today, I kill the part of me that doesn’t want to explain my condition to people. Today, I commit murder to that part of myself, and I kill all the hurt and fears! And it may be a slow death, but eventually it will be gone!

I use to ask God to take it away from me, but now I just ask him to make me strong enough to deal with it and to help encourage other people dealing with the same issues.

I think we all have something that we want to kill in ourselves… Whether it’s jealously, or low-self esteem…. There is something that we need to get rid of to make ourselves better people, and to live better lives.

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9 Responses to “My Suicide Letter”

  1. May 31, 2013

    maireaddewar Reply

    You see people this is what psoriasis can do.. People asking you to explain or staring does this to people!!

  2. May 31, 2013

    maireaddewar Reply

    Reblogged this on psoriasis4teens.

  3. June 7, 2013

    Nick Reply

    You need to stop thinking like that. Being model with psoriasis is unthinkable to some people but people make it work. Why can’t you play basketball? At least play it with close friends that understand your situation, and enjoy playing it :).
    I sometimes play football, real one not US, and i have some trouble playing it because i have psoriasis on both lower legs. I even use protectors so that it doesn’t hurt, and I enjoy it as much as I can.
    I have already 5 years and slowly stopping to think about why I have it and say it: “I just so I must deal with it.” It’s not easy, I also have some trouble with it and with self esteem, especially when it comes to girls, that’s the hardest part for me I think.
    I don’t mind that they stare at me or ask questions and I respond with a joke, try to not to bee serious about it, telling them that everything will be OK, a lot of them think that its deadly :D.
    It’s all in our mind, we can do everything we want to.

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    why this twist of fate didn’t took place earlier! I bookmarked it.

  5. March 12, 2014

    domki letniskowe rewal Reply

    Everyone loves it when individuals get together and share views.
    Great site, keep it up!

  6. Great goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you’re just too wonderful.
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  7. May 15, 2014

    Vy Moon Reply

    This is awesome Alisha. I’m joyful for you and it teaches us all to own the things that once owned us. Much love always…your radio buddy, Vy

  8. May 23, 2015

    Shanelle Reply

    What’s up, I log on to your new stuff on a regular basis. Your story-telling style is witty,
    keep doing what you’re doing!

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